Amazing Love.

Megan & I at St. Stephen's a couple weeks ago -
it's the church we got married at 7 years ago!:)

I haven’t had a lot of time to post in a while. Things at work became busy, and then chaotic. I don’t even know where to begin, so I won’t. I’ll save the litany, and just ask for your prayers. I’ve been having a steady stream of anxiety for a few weeks now, and this week it has increased a lot. In spite of that, I can see a path to success with my skill sets – and I know that God has a plan, regardless of what happens.

My wife came home from work tonight, she was tired, but we had to make a quick run to the store to pick up some essentials. Mainly coffee ;) As we were driving, she told me that she felt at peace about things. It was amazing to hear that from her, and I had an almost immediate response to those words – I felt at peace, too.

It’s moments like these where I experience a reassurance that God has heard our prayers. I also realized that God heard the prayers of people who were praying for me. I have a lot to be thankful for.

A few weeks ago my pastor and friend asked me, “If God sat down with you and made a 12-month plan for you & Megan to follow Him wholeheartedly – what would that plan look like? What would be the cost?”

Massive, massive question. I thought about it, and I realized that we are already in that process.

For a better part of this year, I’d been taking a break from going to church on Sundays. I think we went on Easter. This was big, considering that in the last 12 years of a career as a worship leader, I barely missed a Sunday. Megan and I have been married for a 7 ½ years now, and we rarely missed a Sunday.

In the context of work, church meant something different. It meant a pattern of insomnia on Saturday night, and massive doses of anxiety on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I didn't sleep at all, I’d just stay up until we had to go to church. I learned the hard way that people sometimes choose to make the simplest thing into the most complicated thing for the sake of it being laborious and worth their while. I don’t think my desire to keep it simple ever went away.

That aside, we needed a break. It was a hard thing to communicate to our new church family, but we took a break. I needed to find a new beginning – to know that I was going to church to worship, not to set God to the side and focus all of my attention on the “things of Church.”

About 2 months ago, I sensed things begin to change in my heart.

Even though my wife and I didn't go to church on Sundays, we stayed connected with our Community Groups. They meet every other week, so we decided to start attending 2, so we could go every week. These groups have been a huge blessing to us… they are always welcoming, and there is always amazing discussion about the Word. It is a great feeling to be in the word with other believers.

One week, I found out from another friend of mine at this church, who is coincidentally the worship leader that they were going to kick off a Prayer & Praise night, which would be a once-per-month Sunday night event, literally a time of Worship and an opportunity to spend time in prayer with our church family.  Anyway, my worship leader friend invited me to come play keys for the worship set. I agreed.

It felt like a big step, to kind of  get back into it, but it was great. It was a great time of worship and prayer.

So then, I got invited to play at another one, and it was amazing. I noticed that I was both playing the music, but also experiencing worship – praising Him while playing. I was lost in the words and in the presence of Holy Spirit. It was just so amazing – it reminded me of how I worshipped when I first came to know Christ.

Then, I got invited to participate with the worship team at a men’s conference called Men’s Advance. Get it? Advance vs. Retreat? Brilliant marketing campaign from my pastor friend. Best idea ever. So.. I agreed to it.

Leading up to Men’s Advance I wasn’t afraid or stand-offish like I had been over the last several months. I had this sense of anticipation, that there was the potential for an amazing blessing. It was like I was more excited about the potential of what God was going to do than about helping out with the worship. I was psyched about that, but I just had a feeling that whoever was going to speak at this thing – God was going to use them to speak into my heart and change me.

That’s exactly what happened. I was reminded that God is in control, that I need God more than I need anything, and that I am not alone in the things I've experienced in my life. I was filled with hope, and I got to share that with some really great friends. And I was excited to tell my wife about what God had done when I got home.

The next day I woke up early again to get to church and help lead worship again. It was awesome to sing the songs we’d worshipped to the day before, and share that amazing Joy with the people at church. It was amazing.

The next weekend, my wife went to a womens’ weekend where she led worship. It was so awesome – we texted back and forth during her free times, and she told me about how many blessings were happening up on that weekend.

My worship leader friend let me know that he was going to be out for 2 Sundays, and that he needed my help to lead worship at church while he was away. I agreed to take a Sunday, and to help out another worship leader on the other Sunday.

The first Sunday was while my wife was away on the womens’ weekend. I played keys that Sunday, and it was awesome and blessed.

The second Sunday was my Sunday to lead, and I felt a tug to ask my wife co-lead with me. She’s really come a long way on the guitar, and I had this feeling that if I just let go & let God do His work, that it would be Awesome… and it was. I picked out some songs she’d done on her weekend, and some songs that we’d played at the Men’s Advance. It came together, and it was blessed, my wife had this amazing overjoyed smile on her face.

At church that Sunday… she was amazing. I felt like I was relying on God, and relying on my wife. I had to stop and pray a couple times. My hands were shaking at one point and I couldn't play – so I took that chance to pray with everyone.

I don’t think any of this would have happened if I hadn't taken the time to forgive. There are people I've needed to forgive for a while, and  God made space for that to happen to in the days leading up to that service. It’s true – when you free your heart of unforgiveness, you literally free up more space for God to reside in your heart.

I’m just kind of carrying on about this part of my journey, I’m really excited about it. I am enjoying it. I feel like boasting in the Lord, because He is good.

Back to the massive question my pastor asked… about the 12-month plan to wholeness in the Lord – my wife and I are on that journey. We know what now looks like. We don’t know what tomorrow looks like, but we trust that God does.

On our way home from the store tonight, coffee & other essentials in-hand, I realized that I still had that sense of calming peace, from head to toe, from inside to out. I said to my wife, “I really think God loves us, I mean, I really think he does.”

She replied, “He does love us - very much. He has so much in store for us, it’s almost terrifying to think about, but I know it’s going to be amazing.”

In Christ,
Matt

Shed

Read: James 4:1-10

Last night, I had a strange dream. I was in the lower level of an old building in a big, dark room, and there was stuff all over the place – on the floors, hanging from the wooden rafters. It was like stuff you’d see stored or hanging up in an old shed.

Every part of this room was filled with this stuff, except for a walkway, where people were in line waiting to get into a different part of the building. Interestingly enough, the part of the building the line of people were waiting to get into was brightly lit.

Other than some non-descript conversations with people, I remember one conversation where I was talking to someone about my health, and the person said, “I don’t want to hear about your disease.” I kind of said, “Ok...”, and continued down the line, walked into the brightly lit room, which was also old… and then I woke up.

Who knows what it all means. Darkness into light… faith…baggage… a combination of fears and conversations with different people…

I was telling my wife about the dream and she suggested that I was probably still thinking about things I’d experienced over the last couple of weeks.

One thing I’ve been thinking about is my Dad’s retiring from his career of 42 years. He’s a school teacher – he taught U.S. History & Civics to gifted and talented students for the better part of that career. We heard mention of retiring, nothing certain. Then last week, he mentioned a ceremony they were having for him, and other teachers that were retiring, and he said that he didn’t want any of us to come to it, that it wasn’t important.

I told Dad that it was important to me to be there, I wanted to see him appreciated by his colleagues and be a part of something that has always been “behind the veil” throughout my life. Ultimately, Dad held his ground as he always has, and decided against letting us know.

Mom said that he didn’t let us know because he was embarrassed about being recognized in the first place, and didn’t want her to have to sit through a long ceremony, because her radiation treatments have been making her very tired. My mom has been getting radiation treatments after having a cancerous tumor removed from her breast. I understand, it’s just a tough pill to swallow.

The “behind the veil” thing is something that has been a consistent starring role of Dad’s and my relationship. I have always felt like I wanted to know him more. Dad once said to me in my mid-20s, “I’m your father, not your friend.” He said it when I expressed a desire to know him better, and for the yelling part of his relationship with me to come to a close.

Even as a child, I saw other guys experiencing the riches of growing close with their dads, working on cars, projects, etc together. For some reason, it wasn't like that for us.

In the last few years, especially since I got married, our relationship has changed for the better – there are times when we are able to share some really great conversation. I am really grateful for that.

Since Megan and I bought a house that’s kind of close to my family, I have taken a lot of opportunities to cook food for them – to have them over, and honor them. The more I did this, I began to realize that I’ve been trying to fill in missing gaps from things in my past. We rarely ate dinner around the table. There aren’t a lot of pictures of my childhood. When Megan and I have my family over for dinner, we have it at the table, and I try to find a reason to take a pic of everyone, and then I post it on social media – feeling joy from our time together.

I feel like my relationship with God right now is a lot like that. We tend to look at God like we look at our fathers.  We call God “Our Father”, so it’s understandable how we form that association. I feel like I’m trying to clean up, repair, and bring a sort of renewing to my relationship with my dad – and God.

I have experienced renewals in my relationship with God, and I know that is because of Grace. Grace isn’t something we necessarily all have with our dads. I actually feel like I’m trying a little harder with my dad, to clean up, repair, and maybe even bring our relationship to a new place. Though, due to generational differences, there’s a greater likelihood that we don’t share the same perception on that.

Grace is something we’ll always have, because God’s love never changes, and there are no generational differences, because God is eternal – literally “all the time.” I’m grateful for that, it’s just that sometimes I wish it were something I could put my hands on. I wish the enormity of that love could be experienced with a massive hug with Our Father.

I’m on a health journey – sometimes I feel like it’s the only thing I really have control over. It’s not like a control-freak kind of thing, it’s more like being able to rely on a tangible thing. If I take this vitamin and that medication, and exercise this much, I can count on visible results, a tangible outcome. I can take my blood sugar in the morning and see the results of eating well, taking my medication, vitamins, and exercising. I can’t always see those things with God – I have to rely, which is a sacrifice of the tangible. It’s like we want to lean, and we have to trust that something will be there to catch our fall.

Is this the part where the non-descript person waiting in the line in my dream says, “I don’t want to hear about your disease” happens?  ;)

It’s interesting how James 4 speaks into these things. It makes me wonder… how many of these things in my life are happening because of my own negativity or “evil” from my heart? How is that preventing me from getting closer to God?

I’ll be honest, as I was writing about how I wished I could literally have a hug from God, I actually felt like I really, really wanted that – with all that is in me. The interesting part is in that moment, I forgot about everything that I’d written about before that… all of the struggles, what-if’s, etc.

It says in James 4 that “you don’t have what you don’t want, because you don’t ask God for it.”

The truth is, I haven’t been asking God for much lately. I’ve been spinning my wheels thinking about church, family, home improvements, and work. My first desire is wanting to gain a footing in those things, because I believe it will bring stability to my heart and make my wife happy. Though, I haven’t asked God for help with any of it, because I’m convinced I can make it happen on my own.

I feel pretty empty of Grace lately, too. I am guarded around people other than my wife, and I’m hesitant to even be around other people. I am lacking in Grace and understanding of situations, because I haven’t asked God to fill my heart with Grace. Instead, I’m relying on a picture I’ve painted in my head about how things should be.

If you’re reading this, thank you so much for sharing your time with me. I’d like to ask you to pray with me about setting “me” to the side and getting closer to God – for God to change this desert season into a season rich with the living water, Grace-filled, and loving.  Your prayers would be awesomely appreciated.

In Christ,

Matt

Ambition

Read: James 3:13-18
NIV | NLT

It starts out asking “Who among you is wise?” Without delay, a little voice in my head says, “Not me.”

Sometimes I have a word or a Word to offer friends… but mostly, I have an ongoing, increasing space waiting to be filled with wisdom. I have a desire to be wise one day – not a patronizing or conceited wisdom, but a voice of my experiences, lessons learned, that might help someone. I want to be able to communicate things in a way that is listenable. I don’t want my wisdom to create the sensation of listening to a bad song; maybe a song that takes a few listens.

I remember the first time I listened to U2’s Unforgettable Fire album, it was a tough listen… it’s a very musty sounding album. It has lots of melodies and messages hidden under the sound of an ancient castle and the production style of Daniel Lanois and Brian Eno. It became one of my fave albums of all time, in my top 10. I remember watching the video for the song, “The Unforgettable Fire” over and over when I was in my senior year of high school. It gave me a feeling I couldn’t put into words.  Though, I discovered that the song was giving me a passion for being a musician, all of the crazy images it conveyed in the lyrics – I couldn’t figure it out. That’s ok though, I didn’t really want to.

It was a song that made me feel different than what the lyrics were explaining. I guess part of it was the sound of sanitized, driving angst that most of the music from the 80’s conveys, but it was that sound that made me want to bear down into becoming a musician.

Lately, I've experienced similar longings that tell me that I need to bear down into something in my life. There is a good chance that the primary part of that is my relationship with God.

I usually stay up late, because my mind goes to a creative place after the stress of the day has passed, and I can work on projects for work, and/or music. Over the last week, I’ve been experiencing these streams of thought where I’m remembering holy moments throughout my journey with Christ. There is one thought in particular that creates a longing in my heart for closeness with God. It’s a feeling that resembles how I’ll get the desire to bear down into music, a longing to convey a melody.

A while back I went on this men’s retreat weekend… it was in a place that was removed. We couldn’t have any communication devices, watches, clocks, laptops, etc. I remember on the first night, we were asked to enter into a time of silence, and that time of silence would be broken in the morning. When we woke up, we were led to a chapel in the lower level of this old building, it looked like it hadn't been touched since the mid-70’s... brick walls… it smelled like a bunch of guys who’d just woken up.

I was overwhelmed by the hush of the room. Some guys had their eyes closed and were praying… some were catching some additional shut eye ;)

When everyone was there, people started standing up and reciting scripture and saying prayers that connected with that scripture. All in all, it took about an hour to work through, and then the silence was broken with communion and some worship. It seemed arduous, all of that patience I had to muster up with my semi-ADD mindset, but I felt... Blessed.

It was a holy time. This time that was set apart, with other Christian brothers, and it was a time where the presence of God in the room was undeniable. When I think back to it, it’s like I can get a better view of how God was in the room. The view, of course, being this sense of longing in my heart to be close to Him again.

We can’t go back. We can’t recreate that, or live out our faith from a past experience. I think that’s why I’m longing for God now, and not to go back to that place where God was on that day… or in similar experiences after that.

I really experienced that longing over the last week… I had a pretty bad week at work, and I had to back out of going to a men’s retreat. I’ve learned my lesson on that… if there’s trouble with work before I go on a vacation or weekend away… it needs to be resolved, or I’ll worry about it the entire time I’m away. A few years ago, I went on a retreat weekend when I was worried about my job after a bad week; when I got back, I got laid off on that Monday.

God still blessed me, even though I had to bow out of this men’s retreat.  I was working on project for work, and all of a sudden, I remembered that 2 friends of mine were going on a retreat weekend in Front Royal, and that I needed to write them a letter of encouragement. I stopped what I was doing, and began to write those letters.

As I wrote those letters… I began to visualize where they were in the weekend, and how the rest of the weekend would be for them. And I started to remember being close to God when I went on that same weekend a few years ago. I started praying that they would experience His presence in an even greater way. I was broken as I prayed for them.

That was the night when I started feeling that longing, and it’s happened every night since, over the last week.
 

Back to James 3… ;)

That sense of longing for God… I believe that is part of what is described in James 3 as “wisdom from Heaven.” It is non-earthly.

^“But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic…”

The earthly wisdom - envying all of my brothers-in-Christ who were “on the mountain” last weekend. It was caving, making way for earthly needs, a desire for stability that could be fixed by scrambling together projects for work for a sense of fixing the chaos. Fear… operating out of a bad memory of getting fired after a retreat weekend where I worried about my job the entire time.

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”

The non-earthly wisdom - looking back and remembering that God was there the whole time… the longing in my heart to seek Him out... the desire to pick up my guitar and play anything… sitting down at my keyboard in my studio and just playing whatever – I know in my heart all of these things were from God. It was a Heavenly wisdom that surpasses the lies of this world and called me to a place of worshipping Him.

Spew

Read: James 3:1-12
NIV

It seems like for the last 2 weeks or so, I've been overdosing on words about sin. Whatever church setting I've been in, it's been about sin. Fellowship... we get into deep conversation about sin. It feels kind of overwhelming - but it also feels intentional, like God is behind the barrage of anti-sin words. Is He trying to reach me to remind me or prepare me? Or get me to see something that I'm doing that I'm not aware of? 

Sometimes it's what you aren't aware of that's the absolute worst.

It's kind of a roller coaster, because one minute I've learned to ask God for forgiveness when I pray and confess... then I have to learn how to forgive myself. Even when I think I've forgiven myself, the enemy works in such away that sins are unearthed in my mind, and I will spiral back into a state of unforgiveness towards myself... and perhaps unforgiveness towards other people as things I've forgiven people for become unearthed. 

As I've been on the receiving end of this sin-teaching roller coaster... I've been thinking about -

• Men get into specific patterns of negativity, which lead to lifestyles of negativity, which is fueled by sin and then continues to produce a downward spiral of negative, sinful lifestyle.

• We have to be conscious of sin, from the early symptoms of it - like desire & temptation, so we can avoid carrying out a sin.

• Forgiveness - God expects us to forgive, especially when we seek forgiveness from Him.

• Sin is a vicious cycle, and the only way out is through Christ.

• Salvation is ours, but salvation is a relationship w/ Christ that leads to our growth and change - away from sin.

Of course, in no way is that a complete list of everything, but those are some things that have been on my mind. Anything sin-related is a heavy thing to take on. I think that's why people scatter when sin is brought up, because it's an unpleasant weight on our hearts, one we don't want to deal with. The enemy wants us to keep our burdens close, so we can be imprisoned by them, and maintain a life of sin.

If there were no victory in Christ through his sacrifice, that might actually be a problem. Even when we are mired for years in sin and burden, Christ has already paid our sin debt - he's in a perpetual state of wanting us to accept that gift. He wants us to run to Him, and lay our sin at the Cross.

"Words that build or destroy... dirt, dry bones, sand, and stone..." - U2

James 3:1-12 talks about how we spew our words carelessly. How the littlest thing we say can be completely inflammatory, resulting in chaos & hurt. This goes back to another teaching about sin I read up on this week - about gossip. 

Gossip is everywhere... offices, family settings, churches.. Did I mention churches? Even the un-churched identify 2 key reasons why they would never set foot into a church is because of Politics & Gossip. They don't want anything to do with it. 

I don't blame them.

I wonder sometimes.. when I talk about frustrations, like with church Politics & Gossip - am I fostering the beginnings a negativity-driven lifestyle? I mean, I thought I was just getting some stuff off of my chest. To think that I'm actually creating negativity through trying to process my thoughts about something is crazy. I'm an emotional person, and I know that my words can cut more the angrier I get.

Interesting though... as I look at my life now, I'm really cautious when it comes to the church. I'm aware of the things I'm frustrated with, but in talking about those things, there's a distance between me and my giving myself the go-ahead to go head-long in building friendships and getting involved. That has only gained momentum over the years with having had negative experiences in "the journey."

When I take a step back and look at that, I realize that I do want to be in church, and I do want to build relationships with people, and I do want to grow in my relationship with Christ. 

Words of unforgiveness, words of anger, words of hurt, words of gossip -- may we be aware that if we don't filter our words in a way that magnifies God, that they can do damage. Damaging words are part of the sin roller coaster, because ultimately, our words aren't supposed to turn people away from God - they should turn people, and ourselves, towards God. Let our words be words that cause people to run to God as fast as we can.

Spiraling

Read: James 2:14-26
NLT

Cancer. My mom has it - she found out that she has a small tumor in her breast, and that it is cancerous. Apparently, it's a very slow, very curable cancer. Today, she met with a surgeon to talk about when the tumor will be removed. They discussed something about a lymph node, and depending on how those look, she may face 5 weeks of radiation, 5 days per week, and hormone therapy.

In comparison to what I've seen in the world of cancer, my mom has a lighter journey ahead. I am grateful for this - my wife and I have prayed for God's blessings on this situation. My sister has been praying too. My pastor got a lot of people praying through our church's prayer network - it was amazing.

Today, my wife also went to the doctor to get a spot checked out on her arm... we thought it might be a skin cancer. She is fair-skinned, and has a universe's worth of freckles. There was a documentary on TV the other night about rare skin cancers and melanomas that become fatal if left unchecked. I was freaked. As it turned out, she just had a spot of psoriasis. Though, the doctor did say to come back if it didn't go away with the medicine she was prescribed.

Mesa, Arizona

Recently, my wife and I flew to Arizona. We needed to spend time with her side of the family, and participate in a Celebration of Life service for her Grandma Jo who passed away this past December. Neither one of us like flying, even though I am a big fan of aircraft. I think it's the whole turbulence thing. I have faith though, that passenger jets are designed to withstand the "bumpy" ascents and descents. Why would they put a few hundred people on the same plane if it weren't a safe way to travel. I know... it's the safest. It's just scary when flying through the air feels like you're riding on a 4-wheeler down a dirt road. It's very humbling and faith-strengthening.

Yesterday, our neighbor's Pomeranian passed away. I found out about it over Facebook. I could tell in her words that this was a very big loss. I've been there - I've lost pets who were as much a part of the family as a brother. I was sad to hear the news, because the last time I saw that dog, he was very energetic, engaging, and friendly - like he was glad I was at their house. Our neighbor compared the love and kindness her dog expressed to Christ, because she knew in her heart that it was an unconditional love.

Earlier today, I was talking with my brother-in-Christ Joe about music. It seems like music has escaped me a little bit. Part of it is my doing, but I'm wondering if part of it is by God's will. I've always had music in my life. Now, I find myself doing graphics for my job most of the time, and it's very fulfilling. It's become a new means of doing ministry - communicating Christ through something visual. 

I released an album independently 2 years ago... it was so exciting. Joe plays guitar in my band. It feels strange to call it my band, because our last worship concert was over a year ago. We had another concert before that, so 2 concerts total. Every attempt in the meantime to set up another show has been a wash. It seems that I'm also unable to write a song lately.

I left my job as a worship leader a few months ago - and as I test the waters to participate in that kind of ministry again, I feel overwhelmed with a sense of "no", coupled with stagnation, and maybe even fear.

Is it timing? Is it God's will? I'm kind of praying that it's just a season.. and that maybe He would fill my heart with a passion for music once again at some point - maybe soon? There it is... my will and not His.

Truth is... I don't know how James 2:14-26 works with everything I just typed above. I'm glad I read it though.

Maybe God is trying to speak into my heart about being authentic not only as a Christian, but also about being authentic as a practicing Christian. The whole point of it is that it's not enough just to say you have faith - you have to show it in your works. 

We prayed for my mom, that even after a really tough journey in her life, that God would spare her a journey through chemo therapy and long-term suffering. God came through. Yet, tonight at dinner, I was unforgiving when she kind of snapped at me in front of everyone. I offered to bring her sour cream for her taco...but apparently she was sick of being offered it. I know... right!?  Both of my parents snap... they kind of always have. I wasn't really prepared for it tonight. I think I was hoping for a celebratory mood... for the good news. In my heart... I couldn't wait until everyone left. I suck for feeling that way - I should have been more forgiving.

I actually should be more forgiving across the board. It's one of the toughest things about being a Christian - yet God is specific about our forgiveness being like His.

If we don't forgive and claim to be in faith, we are demonstrating a faith that "saves no one", as it says in James. "A body is dead without breath, and faith is dead without works."

There are so many examples around me... I literally listed some of them at the beginning of this post. God's presence, evidence of His awesome works on display. Wake up, Matt.

Authentic faith, practicing faith... practicing Christ-likeness is something that starts from 0 everyday. As we grow, it still starts at 0. Which is great, because that means everyday is new - everyday is a new chance to try and forgive again. It's a new chance to pray again. It's another chance to try and write another song, to get closer to God in a personal worship time.

May Your breath be breathed into our faith through our hearts, and through our works. May our eyes be opened to evidences of You in our lives.. on a plane, in healing, through demonstrations of love & blessings, through the recognition of Christ's presence in people around us...and in our own hearts and outward-ness towards all people, especially those who are closest to us. Forgive us, and teach us to forgive again and again. Forgive me, and teach me to forgive again and again.

Listening & Doing

Read: James 1:19-27
NLT

Today is one of those days where I feel like I've been on some sort of spiritual roller coaster. Usually when use that expression, it's in a bad context, but today I can actually refer to it in a mediocre context. When God challenges us, it gets a little real. When it gets real, that's usually when we have the opportunity to fail, succeed, or fail and then succeed.

To see last week's post on enduring through failing & succeeding, go here.

Over the last couple days at work, I've been hearing 5 presentations per day that combine Jesus Christ, media, excellence, and business. This combination of things happens in a lot of different places.. church, evangelism, missional organizations, and in Christian Media. I work for a Christian Media Company as a Graphics Artist. 

As we went through the different talks, there were a lot of times I felt really positive & fired-up, and then there were a few times where I started to feel angry, or a little closed-in. Do you ever feel "claustrophobic" due to information or all of a sudden dose of reality? There were a few times I felt like that, almost like a pre-panic attack.

A lot of what we're talking about is transformation on a large scale. That's not what makes me anxious. I'm excited about God working in all things for all-things Greater. The thought that got me was the reality that my life is probably going to be a lot shorter than I think it is. I know a lot of us feel that way, but this was a sudden dose of reality. It kind of went like this:

"...our average employee's age is 41, the average retirement age is 67, and if you live for 13 more years, you'll die at the age of 80."

So, yea.. reality check. That stuff isn't too far away. I am the magic average employee's age. I don't feel it, I don't think it... some would say I'm in denial, but the kind-at-heart would probably say that I'm young-at-heart. I'm cool with the latter ;)

There are some things about the last couple of days that made me feel angry, mostly about myself. I've always seemed to be this magnet for ostracization.. and today, I caught a glimpse of it. For a moment, I got to be the fly on the wall, thanks to technology. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that it was like that Skit Guy's story about the brownie w/ the little piece of dog poop in it. It was a great day today, marred by a small dose of reality.

God worked it out though - I actually received a call with an apology. I didn't expect it.. I was just working it all out in my own mind - and instead of internalizing & justifying the situation, someone actually called me to tell me that they were sorry. I let that person know that it was water under the bridge.

James 1:19-27 calls us to be eager in how we react in Christ-likeness. God wants us to open our ears and listen. 

Not listening is a really popular thing right now in our culture. It's part of where we are - where everyone wants to speak at-length and be heard. If you watch the news where controversial conversations happen, it's obvious that interrupting is a really popular technique. I've actually conditioned myself to kind of stay quiet most of the time, because I became exhausted by being interrupted by people in conversations. 

I know who I can talk at length with if I need to, and I am very grateful for those people.

God also calls us to be slow to react in our words - especially when we're angry. He also calls us to be slow to anger.

Listening, guarding our words, and guarding our emotions - these are things that all work together. I've talked with a lot of people who grew up in angry situations. I grew up with some scary anger happening. I remember those times where there were loud, angry words, and they still are with me.

James goes on to talk about how we can't just acknowledge these ideals and values, that we have to actually live them out. Living these things challenges us to fail & grow in our obedience. Sometimes the idea of obedience is enough to anger, because it's a word that resembles growing up with our parents - but our relationship with God is different. In every way, our relationship with God is greater.

Does your love for God resemble your love for your parents?

For me, it does a lot of the time. I think sometimes we look at the brokenness of the love we have for our families, and for people in general. We have to forgive a lot, and sometimes it's hard to get there. Being obedient to God means that we have to be bigger than those obstacles. 

Yes, I am eating my own words at the moment! ;)

Though, I can look back and see growth in how I express love to my parents. Over the last few years, my wife and I have had them over to our house a couple times per week to cook for them. I see it as time to be together, even with the occasional drama. When I cook for them, I feel like I am doing something to honor them. I feel like it is an offering of comfort and sustenance. I always want the food to be the best it can be, and I always feel a sense of anticipation - that it's a privilege to serve them and honor them.  My wife and I do the same for her family whenever they visit.

Just writing that, I can see a greater resemblance in those relationships to growing in a relationship with God - how the anticipation of giving an "offering" of honor and/or worship resemble one another. 

This is so important, not only for love, but in living out our faith in a real way. It isn't a show.

As a husband and hopefully as a future dad, it is my hope and commitment that God will work in my heart as a parent - that I would be girded & guarded against anger. We learn from our parents. It's been a constant prayer to God that I would not carry the kind of anger I experienced forward. I don't want to find myself in my 60's, and just starting to get along with my kids. I want to be able to look back, and see unashamed richness, love, and kindness - that God would work in my heart to seek out that perfect way to grow my family, and continue to be grown.

May we all know that God's love is perfect... the longer we build a relationship with him through the grace of his Son Jesus Christ, the more we begin to see that His love is perfect. He's big enough and perfect enough to forgive the imperfections of how we love. It's up to us to take the first step, by prayerfully being slow to speak, slow to anger, and opening our ears more. When we do that, we not only grow towards hearing the things that people have to say, but we make space to God's voice as well.

Fears, Failures, and Perseverance(s).

Read: James 1:1-18

New Living Translation (NLT)

James 1:1-18 is a scripture that I've always been referred to in times of difficulty and struggle in ministry. I consider it to be a place of groundation, or a reset button. I've never taken the opportunity to go through the whole book, so -  now's a good time :)

I was thinking about failure today, because I am afraid of failure, and I've heard in a lot of places recently about others' fear of failing. It's kind of a mixed bag... are we afraid of what we lose because of failure or actually failure itself? Sometimes I think if I could actually freely fail, I could have a clearer vision for what succeeding looks like. It's tough because failure is always connected with anger, loss, rejection, and maybe even having to start over again.

In a song it says, "Take me as you find me, all my fears and failures - fill my life again." Yea, we all know that's Mighty to Save - an anthemic worship verse. Whenever I've sung it, I feel my spirit bearing down into those words, because I identify with that. Take me for these things that describe me as a person... you should know that I've spent so much time afraid to fail. I've also failed and increased my fear of failing again.

It's crazy how when we get into these fearful, failing times that we forget that we can turn to God - and should. We should pray, talk.. be in constant dialog with Him. Yet we forget as we get distracted by unsettledness.

James talks about Endurance. Endurance is staying power, how long you can keep going before you stop. In James it talks about growing your endurance to a place that becomes fully-developed, and needing nothing. I want that. I want to actually know that all I need I can get from God. I want to run longer, live longer, prolong my health for as long as it can endure. Sometimes failing and trying again requires a lot of endurance. It's easy to get sick of trying -- but this is where the growing comes in. We eventually understand where we fail, how it affects us and others, even small failures, but we understand how to move past them and into successes.

In faith we endure tests, temptations and obstacles... we can actually allow those things to get between ourselves and God - but the more we grow from the failures, we experience greater growth in our relationship with God. As we grow in our endurance, we grow closer to God. We understand that God is a part of our ability to endure. 

We can't fail and succeed in our own strength - God actually has to be a part of it. 

There's a lot in this James passage... about loyalty... the world vs. God - where is our loyalty? Why is this something that is more "unsettled" than we see with superficial eyes? How is a sin born?

All of these things lead back to growing and enduring more, building strength in a relationship with God. It's a new challenge everyday, and we have to remember that the challenge is on us. God is always there - he is always enduring, but he's calling us to endure with him, to grow in our successes with him - that our successes look like something he's put His hand on. 

May all that we do look like something God put his hand on - our failure, our success, our endurance, our loyalty - and our ability to understand these things. Enduring in God through the grace of Jesus Christ will lead us to perseverance, even if we fail and have to persevere again and again.