Ambition

Read: James 3:13-18
NIV | NLT

It starts out asking “Who among you is wise?” Without delay, a little voice in my head says, “Not me.”

Sometimes I have a word or a Word to offer friends… but mostly, I have an ongoing, increasing space waiting to be filled with wisdom. I have a desire to be wise one day – not a patronizing or conceited wisdom, but a voice of my experiences, lessons learned, that might help someone. I want to be able to communicate things in a way that is listenable. I don’t want my wisdom to create the sensation of listening to a bad song; maybe a song that takes a few listens.

I remember the first time I listened to U2’s Unforgettable Fire album, it was a tough listen… it’s a very musty sounding album. It has lots of melodies and messages hidden under the sound of an ancient castle and the production style of Daniel Lanois and Brian Eno. It became one of my fave albums of all time, in my top 10. I remember watching the video for the song, “The Unforgettable Fire” over and over when I was in my senior year of high school. It gave me a feeling I couldn’t put into words.  Though, I discovered that the song was giving me a passion for being a musician, all of the crazy images it conveyed in the lyrics – I couldn’t figure it out. That’s ok though, I didn’t really want to.

It was a song that made me feel different than what the lyrics were explaining. I guess part of it was the sound of sanitized, driving angst that most of the music from the 80’s conveys, but it was that sound that made me want to bear down into becoming a musician.

Lately, I've experienced similar longings that tell me that I need to bear down into something in my life. There is a good chance that the primary part of that is my relationship with God.

I usually stay up late, because my mind goes to a creative place after the stress of the day has passed, and I can work on projects for work, and/or music. Over the last week, I’ve been experiencing these streams of thought where I’m remembering holy moments throughout my journey with Christ. There is one thought in particular that creates a longing in my heart for closeness with God. It’s a feeling that resembles how I’ll get the desire to bear down into music, a longing to convey a melody.

A while back I went on this men’s retreat weekend… it was in a place that was removed. We couldn’t have any communication devices, watches, clocks, laptops, etc. I remember on the first night, we were asked to enter into a time of silence, and that time of silence would be broken in the morning. When we woke up, we were led to a chapel in the lower level of this old building, it looked like it hadn't been touched since the mid-70’s... brick walls… it smelled like a bunch of guys who’d just woken up.

I was overwhelmed by the hush of the room. Some guys had their eyes closed and were praying… some were catching some additional shut eye ;)

When everyone was there, people started standing up and reciting scripture and saying prayers that connected with that scripture. All in all, it took about an hour to work through, and then the silence was broken with communion and some worship. It seemed arduous, all of that patience I had to muster up with my semi-ADD mindset, but I felt... Blessed.

It was a holy time. This time that was set apart, with other Christian brothers, and it was a time where the presence of God in the room was undeniable. When I think back to it, it’s like I can get a better view of how God was in the room. The view, of course, being this sense of longing in my heart to be close to Him again.

We can’t go back. We can’t recreate that, or live out our faith from a past experience. I think that’s why I’m longing for God now, and not to go back to that place where God was on that day… or in similar experiences after that.

I really experienced that longing over the last week… I had a pretty bad week at work, and I had to back out of going to a men’s retreat. I’ve learned my lesson on that… if there’s trouble with work before I go on a vacation or weekend away… it needs to be resolved, or I’ll worry about it the entire time I’m away. A few years ago, I went on a retreat weekend when I was worried about my job after a bad week; when I got back, I got laid off on that Monday.

God still blessed me, even though I had to bow out of this men’s retreat.  I was working on project for work, and all of a sudden, I remembered that 2 friends of mine were going on a retreat weekend in Front Royal, and that I needed to write them a letter of encouragement. I stopped what I was doing, and began to write those letters.

As I wrote those letters… I began to visualize where they were in the weekend, and how the rest of the weekend would be for them. And I started to remember being close to God when I went on that same weekend a few years ago. I started praying that they would experience His presence in an even greater way. I was broken as I prayed for them.

That was the night when I started feeling that longing, and it’s happened every night since, over the last week.
 

Back to James 3… ;)

That sense of longing for God… I believe that is part of what is described in James 3 as “wisdom from Heaven.” It is non-earthly.

^“But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic…”

The earthly wisdom - envying all of my brothers-in-Christ who were “on the mountain” last weekend. It was caving, making way for earthly needs, a desire for stability that could be fixed by scrambling together projects for work for a sense of fixing the chaos. Fear… operating out of a bad memory of getting fired after a retreat weekend where I worried about my job the entire time.

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”

The non-earthly wisdom - looking back and remembering that God was there the whole time… the longing in my heart to seek Him out... the desire to pick up my guitar and play anything… sitting down at my keyboard in my studio and just playing whatever – I know in my heart all of these things were from God. It was a Heavenly wisdom that surpasses the lies of this world and called me to a place of worshipping Him.