Spew

Read: James 3:1-12
NIV

It seems like for the last 2 weeks or so, I've been overdosing on words about sin. Whatever church setting I've been in, it's been about sin. Fellowship... we get into deep conversation about sin. It feels kind of overwhelming - but it also feels intentional, like God is behind the barrage of anti-sin words. Is He trying to reach me to remind me or prepare me? Or get me to see something that I'm doing that I'm not aware of? 

Sometimes it's what you aren't aware of that's the absolute worst.

It's kind of a roller coaster, because one minute I've learned to ask God for forgiveness when I pray and confess... then I have to learn how to forgive myself. Even when I think I've forgiven myself, the enemy works in such away that sins are unearthed in my mind, and I will spiral back into a state of unforgiveness towards myself... and perhaps unforgiveness towards other people as things I've forgiven people for become unearthed. 

As I've been on the receiving end of this sin-teaching roller coaster... I've been thinking about -

• Men get into specific patterns of negativity, which lead to lifestyles of negativity, which is fueled by sin and then continues to produce a downward spiral of negative, sinful lifestyle.

• We have to be conscious of sin, from the early symptoms of it - like desire & temptation, so we can avoid carrying out a sin.

• Forgiveness - God expects us to forgive, especially when we seek forgiveness from Him.

• Sin is a vicious cycle, and the only way out is through Christ.

• Salvation is ours, but salvation is a relationship w/ Christ that leads to our growth and change - away from sin.

Of course, in no way is that a complete list of everything, but those are some things that have been on my mind. Anything sin-related is a heavy thing to take on. I think that's why people scatter when sin is brought up, because it's an unpleasant weight on our hearts, one we don't want to deal with. The enemy wants us to keep our burdens close, so we can be imprisoned by them, and maintain a life of sin.

If there were no victory in Christ through his sacrifice, that might actually be a problem. Even when we are mired for years in sin and burden, Christ has already paid our sin debt - he's in a perpetual state of wanting us to accept that gift. He wants us to run to Him, and lay our sin at the Cross.

"Words that build or destroy... dirt, dry bones, sand, and stone..." - U2

James 3:1-12 talks about how we spew our words carelessly. How the littlest thing we say can be completely inflammatory, resulting in chaos & hurt. This goes back to another teaching about sin I read up on this week - about gossip. 

Gossip is everywhere... offices, family settings, churches.. Did I mention churches? Even the un-churched identify 2 key reasons why they would never set foot into a church is because of Politics & Gossip. They don't want anything to do with it. 

I don't blame them.

I wonder sometimes.. when I talk about frustrations, like with church Politics & Gossip - am I fostering the beginnings a negativity-driven lifestyle? I mean, I thought I was just getting some stuff off of my chest. To think that I'm actually creating negativity through trying to process my thoughts about something is crazy. I'm an emotional person, and I know that my words can cut more the angrier I get.

Interesting though... as I look at my life now, I'm really cautious when it comes to the church. I'm aware of the things I'm frustrated with, but in talking about those things, there's a distance between me and my giving myself the go-ahead to go head-long in building friendships and getting involved. That has only gained momentum over the years with having had negative experiences in "the journey."

When I take a step back and look at that, I realize that I do want to be in church, and I do want to build relationships with people, and I do want to grow in my relationship with Christ. 

Words of unforgiveness, words of anger, words of hurt, words of gossip -- may we be aware that if we don't filter our words in a way that magnifies God, that they can do damage. Damaging words are part of the sin roller coaster, because ultimately, our words aren't supposed to turn people away from God - they should turn people, and ourselves, towards God. Let our words be words that cause people to run to God as fast as we can.

Spiraling

Read: James 2:14-26
NLT

Cancer. My mom has it - she found out that she has a small tumor in her breast, and that it is cancerous. Apparently, it's a very slow, very curable cancer. Today, she met with a surgeon to talk about when the tumor will be removed. They discussed something about a lymph node, and depending on how those look, she may face 5 weeks of radiation, 5 days per week, and hormone therapy.

In comparison to what I've seen in the world of cancer, my mom has a lighter journey ahead. I am grateful for this - my wife and I have prayed for God's blessings on this situation. My sister has been praying too. My pastor got a lot of people praying through our church's prayer network - it was amazing.

Today, my wife also went to the doctor to get a spot checked out on her arm... we thought it might be a skin cancer. She is fair-skinned, and has a universe's worth of freckles. There was a documentary on TV the other night about rare skin cancers and melanomas that become fatal if left unchecked. I was freaked. As it turned out, she just had a spot of psoriasis. Though, the doctor did say to come back if it didn't go away with the medicine she was prescribed.

Mesa, Arizona

Recently, my wife and I flew to Arizona. We needed to spend time with her side of the family, and participate in a Celebration of Life service for her Grandma Jo who passed away this past December. Neither one of us like flying, even though I am a big fan of aircraft. I think it's the whole turbulence thing. I have faith though, that passenger jets are designed to withstand the "bumpy" ascents and descents. Why would they put a few hundred people on the same plane if it weren't a safe way to travel. I know... it's the safest. It's just scary when flying through the air feels like you're riding on a 4-wheeler down a dirt road. It's very humbling and faith-strengthening.

Yesterday, our neighbor's Pomeranian passed away. I found out about it over Facebook. I could tell in her words that this was a very big loss. I've been there - I've lost pets who were as much a part of the family as a brother. I was sad to hear the news, because the last time I saw that dog, he was very energetic, engaging, and friendly - like he was glad I was at their house. Our neighbor compared the love and kindness her dog expressed to Christ, because she knew in her heart that it was an unconditional love.

Earlier today, I was talking with my brother-in-Christ Joe about music. It seems like music has escaped me a little bit. Part of it is my doing, but I'm wondering if part of it is by God's will. I've always had music in my life. Now, I find myself doing graphics for my job most of the time, and it's very fulfilling. It's become a new means of doing ministry - communicating Christ through something visual. 

I released an album independently 2 years ago... it was so exciting. Joe plays guitar in my band. It feels strange to call it my band, because our last worship concert was over a year ago. We had another concert before that, so 2 concerts total. Every attempt in the meantime to set up another show has been a wash. It seems that I'm also unable to write a song lately.

I left my job as a worship leader a few months ago - and as I test the waters to participate in that kind of ministry again, I feel overwhelmed with a sense of "no", coupled with stagnation, and maybe even fear.

Is it timing? Is it God's will? I'm kind of praying that it's just a season.. and that maybe He would fill my heart with a passion for music once again at some point - maybe soon? There it is... my will and not His.

Truth is... I don't know how James 2:14-26 works with everything I just typed above. I'm glad I read it though.

Maybe God is trying to speak into my heart about being authentic not only as a Christian, but also about being authentic as a practicing Christian. The whole point of it is that it's not enough just to say you have faith - you have to show it in your works. 

We prayed for my mom, that even after a really tough journey in her life, that God would spare her a journey through chemo therapy and long-term suffering. God came through. Yet, tonight at dinner, I was unforgiving when she kind of snapped at me in front of everyone. I offered to bring her sour cream for her taco...but apparently she was sick of being offered it. I know... right!?  Both of my parents snap... they kind of always have. I wasn't really prepared for it tonight. I think I was hoping for a celebratory mood... for the good news. In my heart... I couldn't wait until everyone left. I suck for feeling that way - I should have been more forgiving.

I actually should be more forgiving across the board. It's one of the toughest things about being a Christian - yet God is specific about our forgiveness being like His.

If we don't forgive and claim to be in faith, we are demonstrating a faith that "saves no one", as it says in James. "A body is dead without breath, and faith is dead without works."

There are so many examples around me... I literally listed some of them at the beginning of this post. God's presence, evidence of His awesome works on display. Wake up, Matt.

Authentic faith, practicing faith... practicing Christ-likeness is something that starts from 0 everyday. As we grow, it still starts at 0. Which is great, because that means everyday is new - everyday is a new chance to try and forgive again. It's a new chance to pray again. It's another chance to try and write another song, to get closer to God in a personal worship time.

May Your breath be breathed into our faith through our hearts, and through our works. May our eyes be opened to evidences of You in our lives.. on a plane, in healing, through demonstrations of love & blessings, through the recognition of Christ's presence in people around us...and in our own hearts and outward-ness towards all people, especially those who are closest to us. Forgive us, and teach us to forgive again and again. Forgive me, and teach me to forgive again and again.

Listening & Doing

Read: James 1:19-27
NLT

Today is one of those days where I feel like I've been on some sort of spiritual roller coaster. Usually when use that expression, it's in a bad context, but today I can actually refer to it in a mediocre context. When God challenges us, it gets a little real. When it gets real, that's usually when we have the opportunity to fail, succeed, or fail and then succeed.

To see last week's post on enduring through failing & succeeding, go here.

Over the last couple days at work, I've been hearing 5 presentations per day that combine Jesus Christ, media, excellence, and business. This combination of things happens in a lot of different places.. church, evangelism, missional organizations, and in Christian Media. I work for a Christian Media Company as a Graphics Artist. 

As we went through the different talks, there were a lot of times I felt really positive & fired-up, and then there were a few times where I started to feel angry, or a little closed-in. Do you ever feel "claustrophobic" due to information or all of a sudden dose of reality? There were a few times I felt like that, almost like a pre-panic attack.

A lot of what we're talking about is transformation on a large scale. That's not what makes me anxious. I'm excited about God working in all things for all-things Greater. The thought that got me was the reality that my life is probably going to be a lot shorter than I think it is. I know a lot of us feel that way, but this was a sudden dose of reality. It kind of went like this:

"...our average employee's age is 41, the average retirement age is 67, and if you live for 13 more years, you'll die at the age of 80."

So, yea.. reality check. That stuff isn't too far away. I am the magic average employee's age. I don't feel it, I don't think it... some would say I'm in denial, but the kind-at-heart would probably say that I'm young-at-heart. I'm cool with the latter ;)

There are some things about the last couple of days that made me feel angry, mostly about myself. I've always seemed to be this magnet for ostracization.. and today, I caught a glimpse of it. For a moment, I got to be the fly on the wall, thanks to technology. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that it was like that Skit Guy's story about the brownie w/ the little piece of dog poop in it. It was a great day today, marred by a small dose of reality.

God worked it out though - I actually received a call with an apology. I didn't expect it.. I was just working it all out in my own mind - and instead of internalizing & justifying the situation, someone actually called me to tell me that they were sorry. I let that person know that it was water under the bridge.

James 1:19-27 calls us to be eager in how we react in Christ-likeness. God wants us to open our ears and listen. 

Not listening is a really popular thing right now in our culture. It's part of where we are - where everyone wants to speak at-length and be heard. If you watch the news where controversial conversations happen, it's obvious that interrupting is a really popular technique. I've actually conditioned myself to kind of stay quiet most of the time, because I became exhausted by being interrupted by people in conversations. 

I know who I can talk at length with if I need to, and I am very grateful for those people.

God also calls us to be slow to react in our words - especially when we're angry. He also calls us to be slow to anger.

Listening, guarding our words, and guarding our emotions - these are things that all work together. I've talked with a lot of people who grew up in angry situations. I grew up with some scary anger happening. I remember those times where there were loud, angry words, and they still are with me.

James goes on to talk about how we can't just acknowledge these ideals and values, that we have to actually live them out. Living these things challenges us to fail & grow in our obedience. Sometimes the idea of obedience is enough to anger, because it's a word that resembles growing up with our parents - but our relationship with God is different. In every way, our relationship with God is greater.

Does your love for God resemble your love for your parents?

For me, it does a lot of the time. I think sometimes we look at the brokenness of the love we have for our families, and for people in general. We have to forgive a lot, and sometimes it's hard to get there. Being obedient to God means that we have to be bigger than those obstacles. 

Yes, I am eating my own words at the moment! ;)

Though, I can look back and see growth in how I express love to my parents. Over the last few years, my wife and I have had them over to our house a couple times per week to cook for them. I see it as time to be together, even with the occasional drama. When I cook for them, I feel like I am doing something to honor them. I feel like it is an offering of comfort and sustenance. I always want the food to be the best it can be, and I always feel a sense of anticipation - that it's a privilege to serve them and honor them.  My wife and I do the same for her family whenever they visit.

Just writing that, I can see a greater resemblance in those relationships to growing in a relationship with God - how the anticipation of giving an "offering" of honor and/or worship resemble one another. 

This is so important, not only for love, but in living out our faith in a real way. It isn't a show.

As a husband and hopefully as a future dad, it is my hope and commitment that God will work in my heart as a parent - that I would be girded & guarded against anger. We learn from our parents. It's been a constant prayer to God that I would not carry the kind of anger I experienced forward. I don't want to find myself in my 60's, and just starting to get along with my kids. I want to be able to look back, and see unashamed richness, love, and kindness - that God would work in my heart to seek out that perfect way to grow my family, and continue to be grown.

May we all know that God's love is perfect... the longer we build a relationship with him through the grace of his Son Jesus Christ, the more we begin to see that His love is perfect. He's big enough and perfect enough to forgive the imperfections of how we love. It's up to us to take the first step, by prayerfully being slow to speak, slow to anger, and opening our ears more. When we do that, we not only grow towards hearing the things that people have to say, but we make space to God's voice as well.

Fears, Failures, and Perseverance(s).

Read: James 1:1-18

New Living Translation (NLT)

James 1:1-18 is a scripture that I've always been referred to in times of difficulty and struggle in ministry. I consider it to be a place of groundation, or a reset button. I've never taken the opportunity to go through the whole book, so -  now's a good time :)

I was thinking about failure today, because I am afraid of failure, and I've heard in a lot of places recently about others' fear of failing. It's kind of a mixed bag... are we afraid of what we lose because of failure or actually failure itself? Sometimes I think if I could actually freely fail, I could have a clearer vision for what succeeding looks like. It's tough because failure is always connected with anger, loss, rejection, and maybe even having to start over again.

In a song it says, "Take me as you find me, all my fears and failures - fill my life again." Yea, we all know that's Mighty to Save - an anthemic worship verse. Whenever I've sung it, I feel my spirit bearing down into those words, because I identify with that. Take me for these things that describe me as a person... you should know that I've spent so much time afraid to fail. I've also failed and increased my fear of failing again.

It's crazy how when we get into these fearful, failing times that we forget that we can turn to God - and should. We should pray, talk.. be in constant dialog with Him. Yet we forget as we get distracted by unsettledness.

James talks about Endurance. Endurance is staying power, how long you can keep going before you stop. In James it talks about growing your endurance to a place that becomes fully-developed, and needing nothing. I want that. I want to actually know that all I need I can get from God. I want to run longer, live longer, prolong my health for as long as it can endure. Sometimes failing and trying again requires a lot of endurance. It's easy to get sick of trying -- but this is where the growing comes in. We eventually understand where we fail, how it affects us and others, even small failures, but we understand how to move past them and into successes.

In faith we endure tests, temptations and obstacles... we can actually allow those things to get between ourselves and God - but the more we grow from the failures, we experience greater growth in our relationship with God. As we grow in our endurance, we grow closer to God. We understand that God is a part of our ability to endure. 

We can't fail and succeed in our own strength - God actually has to be a part of it. 

There's a lot in this James passage... about loyalty... the world vs. God - where is our loyalty? Why is this something that is more "unsettled" than we see with superficial eyes? How is a sin born?

All of these things lead back to growing and enduring more, building strength in a relationship with God. It's a new challenge everyday, and we have to remember that the challenge is on us. God is always there - he is always enduring, but he's calling us to endure with him, to grow in our successes with him - that our successes look like something he's put His hand on. 

May all that we do look like something God put his hand on - our failure, our success, our endurance, our loyalty - and our ability to understand these things. Enduring in God through the grace of Jesus Christ will lead us to perseverance, even if we fail and have to persevere again and again.