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| Megan & I at St. Stephen's a couple weeks ago - it's the church we got married at 7 years ago!:) |
My wife came home from work tonight, she was tired, but we had to make a quick run to the store to pick up some essentials. Mainly coffee ;) As we were driving, she told me that she felt at peace about things. It was amazing to hear that from her, and I had an almost immediate response to those words – I felt at peace, too.
It’s moments like these where I experience a reassurance that God has heard our prayers. I also realized that God heard the prayers of people who were praying for me. I have a lot to be thankful for.
A few weeks ago my pastor and friend asked me, “If God sat down with you and made a 12-month plan for you & Megan to follow Him wholeheartedly – what would that plan look like? What would be the cost?”
Massive, massive question. I thought about it, and I realized that we are already in that process.
For a better part of this year, I’d been taking a break from going to church on Sundays. I think we went on Easter. This was big, considering that in the last 12 years of a career as a worship leader, I barely missed a Sunday. Megan and I have been married for a 7 ½ years now, and we rarely missed a Sunday.
In the context of work, church meant something different. It meant a pattern of insomnia on Saturday night, and massive doses of anxiety on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I didn't sleep at all, I’d just stay up until we had to go to church. I learned the hard way that people sometimes choose to make the simplest thing into the most complicated thing for the sake of it being laborious and worth their while. I don’t think my desire to keep it simple ever went away.
That aside, we needed a break. It was a hard thing to communicate to our new church family, but we took a break. I needed to find a new beginning – to know that I was going to church to worship, not to set God to the side and focus all of my attention on the “things of Church.”
About 2 months ago, I sensed things begin to change in my heart.
Even though my wife and I didn't go to church on Sundays, we stayed connected with our Community Groups. They meet every other week, so we decided to start attending 2, so we could go every week. These groups have been a huge blessing to us… they are always welcoming, and there is always amazing discussion about the Word. It is a great feeling to be in the word with other believers.
One week, I found out from another friend of mine at this church, who is coincidentally the worship leader that they were going to kick off a Prayer & Praise night, which would be a once-per-month Sunday night event, literally a time of Worship and an opportunity to spend time in prayer with our church family. Anyway, my worship leader friend invited me to come play keys for the worship set. I agreed.
It felt like a big step, to kind of get back into it, but it was great. It was a great time of worship and prayer.
So then, I got invited to play at another one, and it was amazing. I noticed that I was both playing the music, but also experiencing worship – praising Him while playing. I was lost in the words and in the presence of Holy Spirit. It was just so amazing – it reminded me of how I worshipped when I first came to know Christ.
Then, I got invited to participate with the worship team at a men’s conference called Men’s Advance. Get it? Advance vs. Retreat? Brilliant marketing campaign from my pastor friend. Best idea ever. So.. I agreed to it.
Leading up to Men’s Advance I wasn’t afraid or stand-offish like I had been over the last several months. I had this sense of anticipation, that there was the potential for an amazing blessing. It was like I was more excited about the potential of what God was going to do than about helping out with the worship. I was psyched about that, but I just had a feeling that whoever was going to speak at this thing – God was going to use them to speak into my heart and change me.
That’s exactly what happened. I was reminded that God is in control, that I need God more than I need anything, and that I am not alone in the things I've experienced in my life. I was filled with hope, and I got to share that with some really great friends. And I was excited to tell my wife about what God had done when I got home.
The next day I woke up early again to get to church and help lead worship again. It was awesome to sing the songs we’d worshipped to the day before, and share that amazing Joy with the people at church. It was amazing.
The next weekend, my wife went to a womens’ weekend where she led worship. It was so awesome – we texted back and forth during her free times, and she told me about how many blessings were happening up on that weekend.
My worship leader friend let me know that he was going to be out for 2 Sundays, and that he needed my help to lead worship at church while he was away. I agreed to take a Sunday, and to help out another worship leader on the other Sunday.
The first Sunday was while my wife was away on the womens’ weekend. I played keys that Sunday, and it was awesome and blessed.
The second Sunday was my Sunday to lead, and I felt a tug to ask my wife co-lead with me. She’s really come a long way on the guitar, and I had this feeling that if I just let go & let God do His work, that it would be Awesome… and it was. I picked out some songs she’d done on her weekend, and some songs that we’d played at the Men’s Advance. It came together, and it was blessed, my wife had this amazing overjoyed smile on her face.
At church that Sunday… she was amazing. I felt like I was relying on God, and relying on my wife. I had to stop and pray a couple times. My hands were shaking at one point and I couldn't play – so I took that chance to pray with everyone.
I don’t think any of this would have happened if I hadn't taken the time to forgive. There are people I've needed to forgive for a while, and God made space for that to happen to in the days leading up to that service. It’s true – when you free your heart of unforgiveness, you literally free up more space for God to reside in your heart.
I’m just kind of carrying on about this part of my journey, I’m really excited about it. I am enjoying it. I feel like boasting in the Lord, because He is good.
Back to the massive question my pastor asked… about the 12-month plan to wholeness in the Lord – my wife and I are on that journey. We know what now looks like. We don’t know what tomorrow looks like, but we trust that God does.
On our way home from the store tonight, coffee & other essentials in-hand, I realized that I still had that sense of calming peace, from head to toe, from inside to out. I said to my wife, “I really think God loves us, I mean, I really think he does.”
She replied, “He does love us - very much. He has so much in store for us, it’s almost terrifying to think about, but I know it’s going to be amazing.”
In Christ,
Matt
