Read: James 4:1-10
Last night, I had a strange dream. I was in the lower level
of an old building in a big, dark room, and there was stuff all over the place –
on the floors, hanging from the wooden rafters. It was like stuff you’d see
stored or hanging up in an old shed.
Every part of this room was filled with this stuff, except
for a walkway, where people were in line waiting to get into a different part
of the building. Interestingly enough, the part of the building the line of
people were waiting to get into was brightly lit.
Other than some non-descript conversations with people, I
remember one conversation where I was talking to someone about my health, and
the person said, “I don’t want to hear about your disease.” I kind of said, “Ok...”,
and continued down the line, walked into the brightly lit room, which was also
old… and then I woke up.
Who knows what it all means. Darkness into light… faith…baggage…
a combination of fears and conversations with different people…
I was telling my wife about the dream and she suggested that
I was probably still thinking about things I’d experienced over the last couple
of weeks.
One thing I’ve been thinking about is my Dad’s retiring from
his career of 42 years. He’s a school teacher – he taught U.S. History &
Civics to gifted and talented students for the better part of that career. We
heard mention of retiring, nothing certain. Then last week, he mentioned a
ceremony they were having for him, and other teachers that were retiring, and
he said that he didn’t want any of us to come to it, that it wasn’t important.
I told Dad that it was important to me to be there, I wanted
to see him appreciated by his colleagues and be a part of something that has
always been “behind the veil” throughout my life. Ultimately, Dad held his
ground as he always has, and decided against letting us know.
Mom said that he didn’t let us know because he was
embarrassed about being recognized in the first place, and didn’t want her to
have to sit through a long ceremony, because her radiation treatments have been
making her very tired. My mom has been getting radiation treatments after
having a cancerous tumor removed from her breast. I understand, it’s just a
tough pill to swallow.
The “behind the veil” thing is something that has been a
consistent starring role of Dad’s and my relationship. I have always felt like
I wanted to know him more. Dad once said to me in my mid-20s, “I’m your father,
not your friend.” He said it when I expressed a desire to know him better, and
for the yelling part of his relationship with me to come to a close.
Even as a child, I saw other guys experiencing the riches of
growing close with their dads, working on cars, projects, etc together. For
some reason, it wasn't like that for us.
In the last few years, especially since I got married, our relationship has changed for the better – there are times when we are able to share some really great conversation. I am really grateful for that.
Since Megan and I bought a house that’s kind of close to my
family, I have taken a lot of opportunities to cook food for them – to have
them over, and honor them. The more I did this, I began to realize that I’ve
been trying to fill in missing gaps from things in my past. We rarely ate dinner around the table. There aren’t a lot of pictures of my childhood. When Megan and I have my family over for dinner, we have it at the table, and I try to find a
reason to take a pic of everyone, and then I post it on social media – feeling joy
from our time together.
I feel like my relationship with God right now is a lot like
that. We tend to look at God like we look at our fathers. We call God “Our Father”, so it’s understandable
how we form that association. I feel like I’m trying to clean up, repair, and
bring a sort of renewing to my relationship with my dad – and God.
I have experienced renewals in my relationship with God, and
I know that is because of Grace. Grace isn’t something we necessarily all have
with our dads. I actually feel like I’m trying a little harder with my dad, to
clean up, repair, and maybe even bring our relationship to a new place. Though,
due to generational differences, there’s a greater likelihood that we don’t
share the same perception on that.
Grace is something we’ll always have, because God’s love
never changes, and there are no generational differences, because God is
eternal – literally “all the time.” I’m grateful for that, it’s just that
sometimes I wish it were something I could put my hands on. I wish the enormity
of that love could be experienced with a massive hug with Our Father.
I’m on a health journey – sometimes I feel like it’s the
only thing I really have control over. It’s not like a control-freak kind of
thing, it’s more like being able to rely on a tangible thing. If I take this vitamin and that medication, and exercise this much, I can count on visible results, a tangible
outcome. I can take my blood sugar in the morning and see the results of eating
well, taking my medication, vitamins, and exercising. I can’t always see those
things with God – I have to rely, which is a sacrifice of the tangible. It’s
like we want to lean, and we have to trust that something will be there to
catch our fall.
Is this the part where the non-descript person waiting in
the line in my dream says, “I don’t want to hear about your disease”
happens? ;)
It’s interesting how James 4 speaks into these things. It
makes me wonder… how many of these things in my life are happening because of
my own negativity or “evil” from my heart? How is that preventing me from
getting closer to God?
I’ll be honest, as I was writing about how I wished I could
literally have a hug from God, I actually felt like I really, really wanted
that – with all that is in me. The interesting part is in that moment, I forgot
about everything that I’d written about before that… all of the struggles,
what-if’s, etc.
It says in James 4 that “you don’t have what you don’t want,
because you don’t ask God for it.”
The truth is, I haven’t been asking God for much lately. I’ve
been spinning my wheels thinking about church, family, home improvements, and
work. My first desire is wanting to gain a footing in those things, because I
believe it will bring stability to my heart and make my wife happy. Though, I
haven’t asked God for help with any of it, because I’m convinced I can make it
happen on my own.
I feel pretty empty of Grace lately, too. I am guarded
around people other than my wife, and I’m hesitant to even be around other
people. I am lacking in Grace and understanding of situations, because I haven’t
asked God to fill my heart with Grace. Instead, I’m relying on a picture I’ve
painted in my head about how things should be.
If you’re reading this, thank you so much for sharing your
time with me. I’d like to ask you to pray with me about setting “me” to the
side and getting closer to God – for God to change this desert season into a
season rich with the living water, Grace-filled, and loving. Your prayers would be awesomely appreciated.
In Christ,
Matt
